Dude, I fucking suck at this

I am horrible at finding things. Absolutely horrible. Easter as a child was like torture because I could never find all the fucking eggs hidden around the house (my mother learned extremely quickly to do the little plastic ones, not real eggs). My mother and father would sit on the couch holding in their laughter as I searched for that last egg that was right in fucking front of me. When I finally found it I was always torn between victory/glad it's over and humiliation that it took me so long to find the one that was on the candle holder by the fireplace at eye-level. A few years ago my mom hid one or two eggs on Easter just to see if I was still as bad as I was when I was younger. I am, much to her amusement.

It is a pain in day to day life when I leave something somewhere and look for it for a long time only to find it somewhere obvious that I walked by (and sometimes even looked at) more that 5 times. When I am alone all I can be glad about is that there was no one there to see me.

 

I suck at singing. I can't read music, and unless I've heard a song a million times, I'm gonna butcher it.

I suck at shooting a basketball. I am pretty good at sports where I get to hit something or someone, but basketball might as well be nuclear physics. I once played on a middle school and was awarded "defender of the year" after missing every shot I took in games.

 

I can't pee squatting, I've just never mastered it. I always end up with piss on my clothes, so I just have to hold it.

 

I'm the exact oppposite, when it comes down to a chip or a bunker shot, put me in the trap any day of the week. I can't chip for shit but can hit bunker shots like throwing darts. I just dont have touch and I can take fuller swings in the bunker.

FOCUS: Grammar. I am horrible, absolutely horrible. Every standardized test the grammar/english section has always fucked me. Take 5 points off of my overall score in ACT. Fuck over my GMAT. You name it. Hell, throughout college, and now for work, I complete(d) complex multivariate statistical analysis. But of course I can barely structure a fucking sentence.

 

I can't whistle, either. All the things you just described have happened to me and then some. Here are some funny examples of how my lack of ability to whistle has made me look like a goofy bastard.

1. Band class - when asked to whistle a song, I just sort of spit and sputtered and got laughed at by a room full of egotistical middle schoolers who no doubt proceeded to tell me how retarded I was for not being able to whistle.

2. My job - I fix radios. That means I have to make noise into the radios to see if they work. Most people whistle, I just go "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH" really loud. I may as well be on stage doing stand-up at that point.

 

my muscle fiber type is lopsidedly fast twitch. So while I am fairly explosive - I CANNOT run for the fucking life of me. For more than a mile. Anymore than a mile and I am reduced to a crumpled heap of ATP. That said I can sprint like my name is Tyrone and I just stole some shit at kmart.

 

I am fucking horrible at video games. Like functionally retarded bad. This is the nerd eqivalent of being a black man with a two inch dick. Can't play shooters, fighting games, RPGs, nothing that requires hand-eye coordination.

I am not photogenic either, I look stoned or primed to rape the camera person pretty much every time.

 

Whew! The list of that at which I suck is enormous. (That sentence is for the guy who said he sucked at grammar.)

Like many of us have posted, I can't sing. Especially embarrassing when the family gathered at Christmas, and I'd be the one playing the piano. It's so bad that when people sing "Happy Birthday," I just stand in the back and mouth the words. I am also cursed with a sensitive ear for other people singing wrong notes in a song. Unfortunately, I can't say, "No, it goes like this." So I don't say anything.

I run like a duck with a tin can tied its leg.

Math. Not the complicated algebraic formulas. Just really simple math. The kind people do everyday. I'm fairly intelligent, so it's humiliating. I also get nervous about it, which makes my math and reaction both worse. An addenda to that, counting cards. I have been slammed so many times because I forgot to account for all the aces.

I can whistle as well as the average 3rd grader, but I REALLY want to learn how to put two fingers in my mouth and make that ear-piercing, cab-hailing, air-stabbing wail. Wheee-oh-wheet! One summer I vowed to learn how. It's just a matter of technique and practice, right? All I got was spittle running down my arms, my two fingers serving merely as a drool drain while I vainly sputtered and huffed myself light headed. Oh, and chapped lips. Damn it.

I can dog paddle, but swimming the way normal adults do has evaded me. I guess I swim like a duck with a tin can tied to its leg, too.

Some others have lamented being less than photogenic. Oh, yes. I commonly have one eye partially closed, so I look like I'm passing out or being really sarcastic (bad news in wedding and baptism photos). My face is unnaturally red anyway, and if it's an outdoor photograph, I look on the verge of a stroke. When I smile I must press my chin down or something because I often look like my neck is either swollen or ginormous. I never thought my eyes were crossed but I swear they try to when a flash goes off.

That's the short list.

 

I cannot add fractions.
At all.
I use my construction master calculator as much as my fucking hammer.
It's embarrassing for the most part because, I work with medium to high functioning morons and idiots.

I cannot ride a skateboard and I could give a shit.
I cannot parallel park and nope, don't give a shit.

 

Like many others, singing and distinguishing tones in music. I may think I'm hitting the right tone, but I'm most likely not.

I can't whistle in that manner that requires two fingers.

I can't snap my fingers.

If math skills was penis size, I'd be an asian. I simply do not know many of the basics, and forget anything math-related once it's explained to me.

I can't park very well. I used to work at a place that had really, really wide parking spots and it ruined me. I now park with heaps of room on one side and with my wheels touching the line on the other. I usually have to pull out and correct it so that no one hits their door into my car.

I read somewhere that pull ups will have you beating your mates at arm wrestling. I think it was Men's Health magazine.

 

aargh, formatting excel spreadsheets.
Im going to smash my lap top soon.