I was thinking back to my freshman year of college and this story has always stuck out to me for some reason. I used to play a lot of cards, especially online. I wasn't a high stakes player or anything but it was good side money coming in to cover the alcohol and weed tabs I was accruing. And strip joints. Anyways I belonged to a few poker message boards that really helped improve my game. I would actually run into this one kid my age at the casino in Oklahoma. Somehow it got brought up that one of us posted on the forums and he was actually a big contributor there. Anyways, I played cards with this kid at least a few times a month at the casino and talk over hands online. Even after meeting him numerous times I didn't know his real name, and would just know him by his handle, which was The Trumpet. This tournament was happening in San Diego right when I finished class for the semester that I was going to play. It was a cheapskate $300 buy-in tournament but for 18+ casinos it was good, it had $100,000 guaranteed prize pool [I was eliminated in the first blind level, losing with pocket Jacks to pocket 7s when we got it in on the flop and he turned a set]. This kid The Trumpet said he wanted to play it so I agreed to carpooling because it helped me save money for degenning at blackjack. I met up with my friend who went to UCSD and his roommates who were all playing the tournament as well. We played a $20 buy-in tournament the night before and got a bunch of beer and played cards. When I introduced my friends to the guy, I said, "And this is my friend..." I am totally blanking... "My friend, The Trumpet." Everyone looked at me like I was a total moron but they all just started laughing. I had referred to some dude I had drove 24 hours with across the country by an internet handle he typed behind. It was at that moment I realized how lame [and stupid] I was. What made it hilarious to me is that the whole weekend we all referred to the guy as The Trumpet. I still can't for the life of me remember his real name. FOCUS: What are some moments looking back in your life that make you feel lame or that you wouldn't admit in public?
In private, my first (and so far only) time being walked in on having sex was hilarious/embarrassing. I was going down on the girl in her basement, her mom comes in and asks if I'm staying for Lasagna tonight. She doesn't see us in the act because the couch is opposite the door but she see's the back of her daughter's head and my head slowly rise up from in between her legs to say "Oh no, thanks, I'm stuffed, I gotta go soon anyway". Wow it makes me cringe. In public, my first time doing stand-up was brutal. I forgot my material. I don't feel comfortable even typing it out for strangers, it was that traumatic. Thank God I stuck with it though.
How do you even know if you've forgotten these memories? I think for sure, everyone's got at least half a dozen that are burned into their minds forever, waiting for the right occasion to pop up randomly. I guess one would be the fact that I actually had sex with a girl I met off craigslist. I guess it's a funny story, but I always have to qualify it with "it's not like a paid for it" and "she was definitely one of the hotter girls I've fucked." Both of which are true, but still, the stigma, oh the stigma. My penis is a black hole of hate and lies...
If I could prevent myself from having seen the first Lord of the Rings movie, I would have saved myself a good 2-3 years of serious lame-osity. To give you fine folks an idea of what we're talking about here, I think I was... oh, 14 or so when the first movie came out. I had very little in terms of social interaction. I saw this movie/read the books, and decided to do a google search to further explore the topic. I found this one forum (a totally new concept for me), and joined it. I discovered like-minded people who I could relate to; didn't have many friends, always felt different, etc., etc. You can see where this is going. By the time the third movie came out I had more or less stopped giving a shit, but Jesus. I mean, not all of this is because of the movie, per se; a lot of it coincides with those really stupid teenage years. But for the love of Christ, I actually had a LiveJournal, and maintained a social circle exclusively through said LiveJournal. Beat that. I defy you.
I fell down the stairs ass over tea kettle in grade eleven in full view of at least sixty people. Concrete stairs. It SUCKED.
I wish I had practiced a lot more before playing at my first open Mic Night. I was decent at guitar, and decided that I could just wing it and read the words to the songs I wanted to play. God, was I wrong. So, so wrong. I want that one back, more than anything else in my life.
At a junior varsity basketball game with our crosstown rivals, the gym was packed and both teams were focused and ready for a hard fought game. I had just finished a shift and was grabbing some water from the cooler, and as I watched I got more and more frustrated. The other team was getting second chance points left and right, no one on our side was working for the boards. Now I'm a pretty big guy, not quite as big then but I still had a fair amount of bellow to me. So while standing their, competitive juices flowing I took a deep breath and roared: "GUYS BOX OUT!". Well not actually roared, as my voice cracked while I was yelling and instead of a loud, deep, motivating cheer I squeaked the whole phrase like Alvin the chipmunk. The high frequency of my embarrassment slashed right through the gym noise, was followed by a brief pause, after which nearly the entire stands broke out into laughter. My coach, our bench, their coach, their bench, and the few people in the stands that could locate me were all staring at me; looking back, if I had a shovel at my disposal I might have tried to dig a hole in court right there and disappear. Thankfully one of our guards hit a big shot after what felt like forever (more like 5 seconds) and everyone's attention was back where it belonged.
When I waited outside of gamestop for 3 hours so I could be the first one to get call of duty modern warfare 2. Jesus that was lame. What was even lamer was when I scurried home to play and noticed some people had already put in many hours into the game (game developers and beta testers I presume) and got really mad. I really wanted to be THE FIRST. Kind of stupid when you realize it is a multiplayer game and it is impossible to be the only first.
I had a girlfriend in college who asked me to attend a wedding with her and her family so she could "show everyone how charming I was." Yeah, right. I get in there and see an open bar fully stocked with top shelf liquor. "Open bar" is one of the greatest phrases in the English language, so I promptly sit down and get happy. I get chattier with every Jack and Coke that goes down. I get called over to a table with her, her father, another couple, and her grandmother. Still enamored with the open bar and not being on the best of terms with her father, I order and down two more glasses before I walk over. By the time get to the table, I am so full of whiskey I might as well be wearing a barrel. I try to my best to keep up appearances while making conversation. Then the band starts playing. I get this idea in my head that it would be cute and I could score some points with the girlfriend if I make this grand gesture and ask her grandmother to dance. Halfway through the first song, I extend my hand to the grandmother and ask, "May I have this dance?" Everyone at the table just stares at me like I just gushed about how much I enjoyed clubbing baby seals. Confused, I stammer, "What? Cmon, you and me Grandma. We're going to put everyone else out there to shame." More awkward silence ensues. Finally, my girlfriend pulls me to the side and says "She can't dance, you idiot. She's in a wheelchair." What? It must of been a combination of the whiskey and the angle at which she was sitting across from me, because as soon as I turned my head and looked around the table, her chair had suddenly sprouted wheels. Fuck. So, yeah. If any of you ladies need any wedding dates and are looking for awkward moments with relatives, I'm your guy. Have an aunt with diabetes? Have some wedding cake! Sister just miscarried? How's that baby?!
Goddamn, I'm glad I'm not the only one. I, too, was good at guitar for a 14-year-old. I, too, decided that although I had no experience as a singer, I would surely be able to wing it when my band played our first show. I thought I could somehow belt out the lame lyrics I had written—but never before sung—to all my band's songs, without having ever rehearsed them. Instead, on the first song of the set, I stepped up to the microphone, cleared my throat, choked, looked down in embarrassment and just played my guitar. The kid running the PA fiddled with the knobs thinking I had tried to sing and just couldn't be heard, but it soon became apparent that in reality, I was just a pussy, and not much of a singer. It was an instrumental set that night. The crowd was not enthusiastic. I kept at it and my singing has improved greatly over the years. I just wish I could have started on a better note. In fact, even producing a note at all would have been an improvement. I suck.
me and my friend heard there was gonna be a bunch of chicks at this one place. we go there and some hot chick takes the mic and says how she is grateful we all were gathered in memory of her friend who just died of cancer. the crowd was quiet and i was thinking of something else and just yelled: "Oh no!!!!!!!!!!!" really loud. we ran outside and hopped in the car. a bunch of guys chased us but we got away.
Yeah, OK, I played text based RPG's for the entirety of my high school life. By text based RPG's I mean you get something like this: Code: You are standing in a room, there is a door to your north and a bed to your west. Exits: North There is a fluffy bunny here. <20/20hp 100/100mana 100/100 mv> kill bunny Your slash annihilates a fluffy bunny! A fluffy bunny is dead! You gained 100 experience points! The body contains: Nothing. <20/20hp 100/100mana 100/100 mv> north ... ... I created characters, wrote stories, roleplayed, and never developed a distinct personality in the real world. Thank god I went to college on the complete opposite end of the state (San Francisco from Oak Park, CA) from where I grew up and didn't turn into a basement-hobbit and developed a social life and actually made real life friends. But I always wonder (well, I don't really wonder, I know this) if I would be a little less of a lameass if it wasn't for MUDs (Multi User Dungeons). I was like the WoW junkies/Everquest-addicts of today, but with text. Fucking text. Thank god I have principles and refuse to pay-to-play. The one useful thing that came out of this is that I developed an interest in computer programming/software engineering and have since taught myself C, and bits and pieces of a slew of other programming languages.
I've made an ass of myself at more open mic's than I'd care to remember. But it was usually because I was hammered. I frequented a bar that had an open mic once a week, and I'd always go that night with a bunch of friends. By the end of the night we'd all be fucking smashed, and they'd all convince me to play. I was, and am, a pretty solid guitar player, and I could always play pretty damn good even when shitfaced, but the singing really took a hit. I'd usually be good for the first verse, but then it'd all go out the window. I'd forget everything and just make up completely incoherent verses. I actually think everyone liked it. I'd go up on stage and they'd all cheer and that kind of shit. Occasionally I'd get someone to go up and sing in my stead while I played. I think everyone liked that more.