Because you are a slacker and you spend all day reading The Idiot Board, you find yourself without regular employment. One day you find yourself answering a Craigslist ad for short-term, one-day "product testers." You show up at the location, and it's an unmarked door on the side of a building in a light industrial part of town. You go inside to find that this is indeed a legitimate job, that you are testing a product, and that you will get paid. The product is a new device called the InvisiSlap. It is a one-use device that lets you dial in someone you know, and push a button. An invisible hand will then slap that person, once, pretty hard. You get one to try out! FOCUS: Who would you use the InvisiSlap machine on? But more importantly, why that person? (We don't need full names and Social Security Numbers and shit here, we just need a description of how you know the person and what they did to deserve being InvisiSlapped). RULES: The machine only works on people you know personally, so unless you know John Mayer, you can't InvisiSlap him, no matter how much he deserves it.
SheGirl. Because she likes being spanked. Hard. Couple that with the RonCo "spray-on-and-pull" hair kit, and she's a quivering mess in no time.
Christ, this is too easy. I'd InvisiSlap the everloving shit out one of my "buddies", and here's why. In June my girlfriend left me after two years. Left without the prospect of saving towards the awesome trip we had planned over Christmas, I decided to plan a new trip - to a friend's wedding in the US in October followed by several NBA games, and I asked buddy if he'd be keen to come. This guy has never been to the US, but is an NBA fan so I figured he'd be down. One of our other mates, an Aussie that lives in Sweden and who hasn't seen either of us in awhile, decides he'll meet us in New York City then come to Vegas with us, and asks if one of his friends can come. Buddy 1 says to me "fuck no, that other guy's probably a dick, let's keep it as just an awesome week in Vegas with the three of us". Precedent is now set - this is important later. So we organise this sweet trip, including what was to be a "guys week" in Vegas, catching up and getting fucked up with guys who used to be really tight-knit a couple of years ago. I'm fucking pumped about spending a couple weeks with two of my best mates and enjoying the single life again (and exploiting my sexy Australian accent in American bars again). A week later, Buddy 1 asks if he can bring a girl to Vegas. Not his girlfriend, or wife, or a friend we all know - a girl he knew for two weeks on a European tour in early 2009 who lives in San Diego. We told him he "set the precedent for the guys week in Vegas, so our vote is 'no'." Disregarding this, he organised for her to come anyway, and stay in the spare bed in the two rooms we booked at Flamingo. When this finally comes out six weeks later, he laughs off our idea that the Vegas portion of the trip was set to be the ultimate in buddies catching up after having not seen each other for ages. "It just doesn't mean that much to me," were his exact words. So now he's ditched us for a girl he barely knows - who has a boyfriend might I add, so he won't be getting any - and said he won't see us for the whole week in Vegas. In response, we've cancelled Flamingo, got a bigger and better room at MGM and plan to have a fucking off-the-hook week without him anyway. Shit. Does anyone else wanna use their InvisiSlaps on this guy too?
Easy. My best friend slash ex boyfriend has the ability to make me happier than anyone else and angrier than anyone else all at the same time. I have never wanted to slap someone so often as this guy. We don't live in the same city, so I don't see him often and he usually doesn't piss me off when we're together, so I've never been moved to do it (or want to do it) in person. But, dear God, there are times he'll say something on the phone or online that makes me so. fucking. angry. I was just watching an episode of 30 Rock when Liz is just meeting Wesley, and she says "Oh my god, I want to smash your face!" in this perfectly desperate voice. I related to that line too much.
One of my roommates could use a pretty healthy slap to the face, especially recently. He has a bad habit of giving people shit about stuff, especially how athletic they are or something derogatory about their favorite Sports team or University (even if neither of those things have anything to do with the topic at hand). Well, we have a friend that lives in Dallas that also likes to give people shit, and is much better at it. Funny thing is that as much as Roommate dishes it out, he can take it about as well as a five year old. Roommate and Dallas-Friend apparently started going back and forth with Facebook comments (this just keeps getting better, doesn't it?) and Dallas-Friend completely owned Roommate. So Roommate has Blocked Dallas-Friend and apparently mentioned to our third roommate that he wanted a guarantee from me and Third-Roommate that Dallas-Friend will not be invited back to stay at our house anymore or Roommate will not resign our lease (which is due to be done within the week). Really? How big of a crybaby can you be? He's been a pretty good friend for a while now, but he can be pretty ridiculous sometimes and I find myself constantly defending him to girls and other friends.
I don't know how the game started, but me and the stepson are constantly slapping the shit out each other. Time and place do not matter either. Last week we we're grocery shopping and he got the wrong pickles (fucking buttered sandwich pickles suck), and I gave him five across the face. The house wives in the aisle recoiled in horror as we were laughing our asses off. Then about 8 minutes later as I'm searching for taco shells, coming around a corner, he fucking ambushes me. His mother gets irate when we do it to her. Chicks man, they just don't understand.
My ex-wife, the Ice Cream Cake Girl. Actually for her, and InvisiCuntPunt would be more fitting sometimes.
I'd probably use it on my dad while he and my mom are both in the car so I can go ahead and get my inheritance 30 years yearly. Yeah, I'm pretty much a terrible person.
At present, I would use the slap on my little sister. At the age of 19, she spent an entire free trip to Austria acting spoiled and whining to the family about how she was "really sick" but confessed to me that she was going through pot withdrawal which consisted of what? Nausea and anxiety. Nausea and anxiety? FREE FUCKING TRIP TO AUSTRIA. She should have just had some beer and shut up about it. But no, all our plans were ruined because she was "too ill" to do anything and I spent three days seeing the inside of our relatives' living room when I should have been seeing hot Austrians in the bars. Don't get me wrong, she's a great girl. But even great girls need a slap in the face when they are being dumb.