Circle of Iron (aka The Silent Flute) - 1978 This movie is a fantasy martial arts written by Bruce Lee and would have starred him if he hadnt died during filming Game of Death. It takes place in an unknown place and time and follows a martial artist named Cord as he searched for the Book of Enlightenment held by a man named Zetan. As hes travelling he encounters various characters, including a blind martial artist who guides him in his journey, played by David Carradine. Its worth noting that Carradine also plays a monkey-man, a warrior, a demon, and many other characters in the film all whom Cord must fight. He has to pass different tests along the way that instruct him in the ways of Zen before he can reach Zetan. He eventually passes all the tests and reads the Book of Enlightenment. From what Ive read, the movie was an allegory by Bruce Lee on the perception of Zen by Westerners compared how they should actually be interpreted. Its a very surreal and at times humorous, but the acting and fight choreography are shitty, especially by the main character. All in all, its a got a lesson some people will get and some wont get/care about. It wasnt great, but killed two hours and I was somewhat entertained. 5/10
The Ref (1994) The Ref is a movie that takes place at Christmas, but is anything BUT a Christmas movie. Dennis Leary is perfect in a taylor-made role as a cocky, chain-smoking thief with serious anger issues that gets stuck holding hostage the most dysfunctional yuppie couple on the planet (Kevin Spacey and Judy Davis, who are magnificent) and must pose as their marriage counsellor when the rest of the family shows up for dinner. This film is pure dialogue, and from start to finish it is flat-out funny and hasn't aged a day thanks to its straight-forward style by the late Ted Demme (Blow). Spacey and Davis argue over EVERY SINGLE THING that comes up in conversation, and Leary always has an even funnier retort or threat to break the tension. His lines just blister with venom and bitterness in the way only Leary can deliver. The three of them are a marvelous team together and a perfect reason why I've seen this movie at least 50 times. It's nothing special or groundbreaking, just solid, unsympathetic entertainment that makes me laugh every time I watch it with a simple, satisfying conclusion. "If you hit that kid one more time, I'm gonna shove that pig's head right up your ass." 7/10
STUPID MOVIE DISSECTIONS FOR STUPID PEOPLE pt. 3 Con Air (1997) okeeeeey...... Here you go, dudes...lots of explosions and shiney things for you once again. Did Michael Bay direct this? No? Produced along with Jerry Bruckheimer (asshole) and directed by ANOTHER guy that directed music videos? Whatever. This is as Michael Bay as it gets. Another ultrastupid ultramovie that cost 100 million. Fuck the homeless. So anyways, Nic Cage is a Ranger who goes to prison while defending his pregnant wife from being raped. He shoves an attacker's nose into his brain, a move I see a LOT in movies yet know that in real life that it is a thousand-to-one shot that the best martial arts master could accomplish such a blow. Back on topic: He's getting out of jail and is dressed as Rock Me Sexy Jesus for the rest of the film (Seriously, stop letting Nic Cage have long hair in movies. It looks as natural as a corn field in a hockey rink). He's on a strangely flashy Hercules cargo plane-turned convict transport with Marcellus Wallace, Rick James Bitch, Machete, Bubba Gump and that actor Being John Malcovich. Then this happens: The baddies take over the plane with pins hidden under their fingernails. Seriously. That's all it takes. Posing as guards, they willingly do a prison transport instead of just landing on a lonesome highway and scattering immedietly, like any retard could figure out. Hayseed Jesus uses Rick James Bitch's corpse as an airborne telegraph to alert the police. Apparently bodies thrown from tens of thousands of feet at 200 mph land accurately and in fact DON'T get smashed into sandwich spread. The cops are played by John Cusack (as John Cusack) and Colm Meany, who we know is an asshole because he intentionally parks his flashy convertable in an empty parking lot. We also know, that since this is a flashy car it is going to get destroyed in the worst possible manner, which happens in the form of a hook from the actual plane lifting it up in the air while in flight and throwing it into a billboard. Yep. Instead of (once again) making a break for it like any criminal would, the badies decide a gunfight would be a better idea. Even with tens of thousands of bullets whizzing around, the 20 of them push the 130 tonne plane into position and take off. The gigantic Hercules cargo plane crashes directly on Las Vegas Boulevard instead of any other street in the entire south-western United States, because Hayseed Jesus has only PARACHUTED into Las Vegas before dressed as his father-in-law. It lands and explodes on the strip, killing nobody except Machete. I guess it was one of those "dead nights" Las Vegas always seems to have. And now, the greatest worst death scene in the history of the universe: Hayseed Jesus handcuffs Malcovich to a fire ladder, raises it as the truck is going full speed. It crashes, the handcuffs breaks for some reason, he falls through high tension wire which would be 100 feet higher than the truck, then lands on a conveyer which drags him into a pile driver and he is smashed. A pile driver placed directly under high tension wires, which would mean a towering steel construction girder under highly volitile electric current. And he landed directly on it. Not only that, it seems his body magically turns around on it half way. Not only that, who the FUCK does construction in the middle of the night? I've heard of road work, but 10 feet from the fucking Strip!??! Hayseed Jesus finds the Teddy Bear that magically crawled out of the flaming gigantic fireball plane and hands it to his daughter, who happens to be standing with her mother/his wife in the middle of a fucking war zone with escaped rapists and murders running loose in the nuttiest city in America. Group hug. Cue curtain, money for Bruckhiemer and Bay. WHO IN THE FUCKING FUCK WRITES THIS FUCKING SHIT? Saving Grace: Steve Buscemi as Garland Greene. 1.5/10
Dude aren't you the guy who defends Armageddon to the death? This movie is just as ridiculous and Steve Buscemi is ten time better in this than Space Rock Explosion. Id watch this schlock over that schlock any day of the week!
No, I'm the guy who thinks anybody that likes Armageddon should be PUT to death: http://www.theidiotboard.com/messageboard/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=1382&p=62122&hilit=armageddon#p62122
Oh, you silly elitists. Quite often a movie is SO bad, that it actually becomes entertaining. Showgirls (the boobs didn't hurt), for example. Or Jason X. It was so bad and sci-fi-schlocky it was hilarious. And Armageddon falls into that category, right beside Independence Day. Let's face it, when a movie starts off with ZZ Top playing, a guy firing golf balls at a Greenpeace ship, and Liv Tyler getting boned (I took some creative license with the interpretation of that particular scene), then I say that movie is fucking entertaining. Then there was the over the top schlock in it... the Aerosmith tracks and the bullshit about Bruce sacrificing himself, yeah, a bit of puke came up, but I was able to push it back down and still enjoy it for what it was, not what I thought it should have been. Here's a hint; if any movie is referred to as a "blockbuster", then set your expectations at a reasonable level before you go see it. Basically that entails throwing them out the window and pre-gaming. Quite frankly, I find it tiresome that people around here are dissecting and arguing over these pieces of shit movies... it's not worth the effort. It's like polishing a turd. Go see a REAL movie, one that has earned the right to be debated and discussed, and then spend the time doing the in-depth analysis. I highly recommend Winter's Bone, by the way. $0.02
The Sorcerer's Apprentice-Meh. I thought for a moment that it could be a darker, American version of Harry Potter. And Nic Cage is always an entertaining crazy person. However, this movie was pretty bad. The effects it relied upon were just simply not good. The dialog was stale (seriously, who the fuck talks like that). The Jay Baruchel character, who I enjoyed immensely in Tropic Thunder, was simply hapless and annoying here. Monica Bellucci and Alfred Molina, normally two actors that can improve utter shit like this were just not given enough to work with. Even the Fantasia scene somehow wound up sucking. This movie forgot the simplest thing about magic: it's supposed to make you go "cool!". This just made you go: "and?". Scott Pilgrim: This movie had it's moments, although they were few and far between. However, none of them could redeem it from its shortcomings. The most interesting characters were too removed from the central plot. The biggest problem I had with this movie is simple: the actors playing Scott and Ramona were both fucking ugly and painful to watch. Had they cast someone who could believably throw a punch as Scott and made Mary Elizabeth Winstead not look like she was a neon furby, it would have been an immensely better movie. Also, the retro video game effects were implemented in the entire movie and it basically induced a headache by the end of the film. It seriously became difficult to watch the fight scenes, which to be honest were not that bad if you were attempting ridiculous, video game-esque violence. Highlights were Kieran Culkin as the smarmy gay roommate and Chris Evans as the over the top action star. Seriously, though...pass.
Of all the schlocky, big dumb blockbusters of the 90s, "Con Air" is one of the more entertaining. Unlike "Armageddon", it never became idiotically melodramatic, and never took its stupid plot developments seriously. I mean, it's hilariously stupid; the rednecks in the bar at the beginning hit on Cage's pregnant wife, and when he apologizes and asks to buy them a drink, they refuse, and then wait until the bar closes to attack this green beret who they have no reason to hate anyways. And then, somehow, the judge decides that Cage is guilty. Awesome. Malkovich and Buscemi are both terrific, and Cage uncorks a legendary line when, with his fake retard Southern accent, he utters..."I SAID put...the bunny....back....in the box!" It's entertaining nonsense.
Unforgiven. Clint Eastwood as the former villain, who has mended his ways and Morgan Freeman as his also rehabilitated former partner in crime, with Gene Hackman as the sociopath sheriff. This movie is slow to start, and Eastwood takes the entire length of the film to become the raspy, vicious badass he promises. The good: the scenery is gorgeous, the acting is superb and the story, while slow to start, is good. Also, this is Eastwood in his pure badass finest-a western, playing an anti-hero. Gene Hackman as the abusive, brutal sheriff is a superb embodiment of the good ole boy style administrator who imposes his will savagely on those he doesn't approve of. It also paints an interesting portrait of vice, as Eastwood slowly spirals down into the monster he tried to leave behind. The bad: the movie kind of drags at the beginning and the secondary characters are kind of one-dimensional and very stereotypical (the kid, the writer, Sally, etc. all could be summed up in a word or two). Overall, this is a good, relatively recent Western. Worth watching on a Sunday afternoon, waiting on the Browns/Panthers shit-show to subside.
Aliens (1986) James Cameron knows how to make a thrill machine. In Aliens, he makes a sequel even better than an amazing original: a film with NO let-up once it gets going, with fantastic characters, great action and special effects, and some of the coolest-looking weapons in movie history. In this, lone survivor Ripley (Weaver, who's amazing) accompanies a space marine platoon to the alien planet who promptly get their asses to them and the few survivors must fight just to get off the planet alive. Cameron fashions the plot devices just like he did with his previous film- The Terminator. And like that film it never takes a breath- filling the screen with dozens of aliens in a final 45 minutes of pure adrenaline that caps off a perfect popcorn movie. Smart, scary, violent, suspenseful, mused in by James Horner's incredible now-classic music score and made with an ideal cast and crew. Dynamite. 9/10
Leaving Las Vegas: One of the most depressing movies I have ever seen and I have seen the new Indiana Jones movie. Nicholas Cage plays a desperate alcoholic, who resolves to move to Las Vegas to kill himself with alcohol. Along the way he forms a relationship with a prostitute as played by Elizabeth Shoe. I guess this movie does a good job of showing what life is like for the lowest denominator, but in doing so it's just weird and sad to the point where it is almost unwatchable. I have a hard time tolerating movies that express an absolutely negative perception of the world as this movie does. That's not to say that this is a bad movie, but at the same time I don't think it has much entertainment value. As neutral as I am about this one, I've got to say that Nicholas Cage gives a great performance, and that's something he hasn't done very often in his career. On a side note, the guy who wrote the book from which this movie is based off of killed himself two weeks after it was announced that the movie was going to be made.
The movie "Indecent Proposal" with Demi Moore and Robert Redford raised an important question. What's a fair amount of money to offer to have sex with somebody's wife without being insulting?
Plus you get to see her nice breast being suckled on by a Cheers cast mate. Traffic- Honestly for a slow yet powerful drama I find this film endlessly rewatchable. A very rare feat. I think the editing and cinematography create a really distant feel to the whole subject matter, which is kind of indicative the whole drug problem in general. Some pretty great performances from an ensemble cast, Benico Deltoro is good but I think the real stand out from the Mexican plot line was the actor who played General Salazaar. Topher Grace appears as an entitled rich kid drug addict played as Topher Grace. Having grown up near Indian Hill, the rich community near my hometown depicted in the film, most rich kids were entitled little shits but not OD base heads. They also filmed some of the Vine Street scenes, where the drug czar's daughter goes to get her smack fix, a few blocks from my last apartment in college. If you also like audio commentary Soderbergh provides some really good stuff.
Batman (1989) Batman nowadays is not a comic serial anymore: it is it's own movie dynasty because of Nolan's treatment towards the story and its characters, but as far as pure comic book goes, nothing tops Tim Burton's 1989 version of Bob Kane's dark, intense DC comic. It re-set the bar on comics in movies and became the touchstone for the other films to follow. Burton intentionally through caution into the wind from the start by hiring "Mr.Cool" to play the The Joker as a psychotic, wild-eyed nutbag, and Michael Keaton (hot off giving one of the funniest performances of all time in Beetlejuice) as the brooding and depressed Bruce Wayne and Batman- a much darker Batman that I personally like- this Batman KILLS bad guys if necessary, unlike anywhere else. It worked brilliantly, Nicholson devouring every second of scenery he's in and contributing line after LINE of catch phrases that were carved into Pop Culture stone. Best of all the in glorious production design and art direction of Gotham City that is pure comic book: The Axis Chemical plant, the "Flugelheim" Museum, Grissom's office, Wayne Manor, all the dark, shadowy alleys but most of all the incredible Gotham Cathedral at the film's dynamic climax. Eye-filling detail before CGI backgrounds that have painstaking invention put into them. Everything is brought together by Danny Elfman's rumbling, deep-bottom music score that syncs perfectly with the plot and lunges like warhead missles. There's enough razzle-dazzle for three films in this classic. And one more: "Bob?...Gun." 9/10
Since alert board member effinshenanigans recently brought to light some Tampa Bay asshole "writer" who quoted the following movie as the worst Christmas movie of all time, let me give the correct review for the film: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989) Tee-hee! I know I dedicated an entire thread to this film a year ago, but it deserves the hype I give it. Not just better than the original classic Vacation, but one of the funniest movies of all time that demands multiple viewings every holiday season not only from yours truly, but ANYONE. Basically it follow the Griswold's disaster-filled holiday at home with Chevy Chase and Randy Quaid leading the charge in the funniest performances of their careers. From the funny animated opening credits to Eddie in his bathrobe spraying human shit into a storm drain to the final front lawn explosion, there's not a sixty-second span in this movie that doesn't generate a laugh-out-loud moment. I get the giggles every time the minute I see Chase putting the ladder up to staple the lights to the house (a true "funny because it's real" scene), but there's so many hilariously classic moments it would take me three hours of typing to truly honour this film. Its jokes can be a little tasteless at times, but not only is it a 100 minute laugh riot it keeps in touch with heart, family and Christmas spirit as well. Just thinking about Clark getting blasted in the face with those retractable attic stairs makes me want to watch it right now. I think I will. 8/10
Fear of a Black Hat (1994)- A mockumentary following bumbling, stereotypical rap group NWH (Niggaz with Hats), done in a similar style to "This is Spinal Tap". It's simple, predictable, but well-executed humor, and the short song snippets go great with the funny one-liners. Some of the jokes fail, and others are just repetitive, but it's fast-paced enough to never get boring, and ends on a strong note. And on the plus side, even someone like myself, who doesn't listen to rap, understood virtually all the references to NWA, Easy E, Ice Cube, LL Cool J, MC Hammer etc. A funny, amusing parody, but nothing special, either. Check it out on Youtube if you're bored. 65/100
This is a great movie, not something to pass the time with waiting for something else. The point of the movie is him turning back into that badass that he once was. This movie also has probably one of my favorite endings of any movie, besides "The Shawshank Redemption". Unforgiven is a great movie.
The Boys' And Girls' Guide To Getting Down (2006) This is some indie flick I stumbled upon completely by accident. It's a mockumentary/comedy which takes you through a night of partying in Hollywood. All the usualy suspects of a night like that are present, coke whores, douchebags, hot girls, hipsters etc... I thoroughly enjoyed this movie due to several reasons but the main one is it kept things lighthearted. It didn't really try to come off with some sort of message just some witty observations and many things that any kid in his or her twenties has witnessed and can relate to. Overall I'd recomend it. At the very worst, it has copious amounts of tits. 7/10
Recently, a friend of mine gave me an invite to this site called Cinemageddon, a cesspool of blaxploitation, sexploitation, Hong Kong kung fu, horror, torture porn, black-and-white comedies, and just about every strange, obscure film ever made. As you can imagine, most of it is awful shit that is better left forgotten, and some of the torture porn is way too perverse even for me, so I've stuck with more innocent fare; Hell Up in Harlem (1973)- A sequel to one of my favorite blaxploitation films ever, "Black Caesar", which I discovered thanks to a recommendation in this topic. Basically, Fred "The Hammer" Williamson is back as Harlem mob kingpin Tommy Gibbs, wasting dozens of honkies and niggers (that's just the way both groups are referred to throughout both films) alike as an equal opportunity killer. Sadly, this one was far inferior and totally unnecessary. Why is Tommy's timid, reluctant, law-abiding father, shown to be a complete wimp that wants nothing to do with his son in the original, suddenly a devoted, loyal dad and a fearsome gangster in the space of two minutes? Why does the film abandon all the humorous, pithy scenes that made it such a delight in the original in favor of incompetent dramatic ones? Why is the editing and directing so awful? (Random cuts, blows clearly not connecting, and an "impalement" scene with colored-in, animated blood...no, I'm not kidding) Hell, why was the badass James Brown soundtrack in the original replaced by generic, stale R&B? Many questions, and in each case, it seems like they wanted to get rid of anything that made the original "Black Caesar" good. A bad watch even for a blaxploitation junkie like myself. 38/100 The Return of Captain Invincible (1983)- A heroic Superman/Captain America-esque superhero is beloved in the US, and helps crush the Nazis in WW2. However, during McCarthyism, he is accused of being a communist, and demoralized, he becomes an alcoholic and wandering vagrant in Australia for the next few decades. He is finally called out of retirement when Mister Midnight, his arch-nemesis, attempts to commit mass genocide. It's a wonderfully silly, funny musical with cheesy, hilarious performances by Alan Arkin (Captain Invincible) and Christopher Lee (Mister Midnight), and songs by Richard Hartley, who did the Rocky Horror Picture Show. The editing is lacking, and a few songs are boring, including two in a row that mess up the film's flow, but it's generally enjoyable. The evil vacuum cleaners, crazy henchmen, "Julius", and bondage girls are all funny and memorable, but the clear highlight is Christopher Lee's song and dance number, "Pick Your Poison". It convinced me to watch the film, and didn't disappoint. Entertaining fluff, and I can see why it's one of Terry Pratchett's favorite movies. 65/100 BMX Bandits (1983)- A bunch of Australian teens riding bright, color-coded BMX bikes, with matching, hideous clothes grab a shipment of special walky-talkies to be used by professional bank robbers. Much bungling and chases ensue. Also, the film debut of Nicole Kidman! It's an exciting, silly childrens' movie, featuring cartoonish villains outsmarted and humiliated by wise-cracking teenagers. There's property destruction throughout the city, extended chase scenes, and non-stop BMX riding, just as the name advertises. The one-liners and physical comedy are mostly funny, whether intentionally or not, the evil buffoons crack me up, and the stunts are pretty impressive. Finally, the pacing and camera-work is top-notch, and Brian Trenchard-Smith infuses the work with a spirit of fun. 68/100